My first loves were all green: The Incredible Hulk, Kermit, and this giant statue of a green knight that stood in front of a bar in Destin Florida in the late 70's & early 80’s.
No kidding.
I think I somewhere misconstrued "a knight in shining armor." And NO, our parents never took us INTO the bar…..it had a little crappy shop attached to it where we bought kites. Gaaah, people.
Later, there was Kirk Cameron, OF COURSE.
Then came the general string of crushes and involvements with various heartbreakers who really existed and that I actually knew. And now I have The Todd.
However, I am thinking of leaving the Todd, striking out for LA and falling madly in love with Jason Segel. I just think he’s precious, and pretty cute, to boot – even when he played the slightly gross friend of Seth Rogen in Knocked Up. In fact, it kind of freaks me out that I found him even the slightest bit attractive in that role, but it explains a lot about a lot of those heartbreakers I mentioned.
However, my Jason Segel love really has come to fruition thanks to a bit of trivia about “Forgetting Sarah Marshall.” No, NOT the naked breakup scene. The Muppets. In the movie, there’s this whole thing about the main character (Segel) and his quest to write a vampire Muppet musical. And I thought, “Hmm. I could get into that. Like a musical about the Count from Sesame Street.” And then I promptly forgot about it…until I watched the commentary stuff.
It turns out that the whole vampire puppet bit is in the movie because Jason Segel….the real person, not his character….had the dream of staging a vampire Muppet musical! Now THAT, my friends, is a man after my own heart.
So I was poking around the Internet today, trying to find a clip of the vampre bit to cheer up Chuck the Girl, and I stumbled onto some fabulous news…..Jason Segel is bringing back the Muppets. Chud.com (That stands for Cinematic Happenings Under Development. I know, it got me, too.) interviewed my future main man about the film: “Hopefully it will fall right in the pantheon of The Great Muppet Caper, The Muppets Take Manhattan, Muppet Movie. You know, we're trying to make one of those.”
He says they even have a cameo for Charles Grodin. Every time I used to see Grodin on his political show, all I could think of were his wretched dealings with Miss Piggy over the Baseball Diamond. They got you in the end, Nicky Holliday.
So I sat down and weighed out Jason Segel vs. the Todd with a Pro/Con list. And it was running pretty neck-and-neck until I saw this clip, in which I found out that Segel and Neil Patrick Harris randomly break out into duets from Les Miserables when they are bored on the set of How I Met Your Mother.
Muppets AND Les Mis? The Todd is Toast.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Hoo, boy! I know people say this all the time, but I don’t know where December has gone – or November, while we’re talking about it. I feel like yesterday was the election and tomorrow is Christmas. And that really stinks, because I am really stoked about ye olde Christmas Season this year. Which is not unusual, but this year I have just been Mrs. Claus all over the place. I’m not sure why this is, but I think it has something to do with the X-Entertainment Christmas Jukebox. Check it out. Here. I did not know that C3PO had a Christmas album, but it sure has made me giggle.
I am not a Star Wars geek, by the way. (My cousin Michael used to have this huge fabulous collection off figures, but he’s a collector anyhow.) I know I’ve seen the first (or fourth, depending on your viewpoint) movie, and I’ve seen Han Solo in the carbonite, but once you start in with Billy Dee Williams I lose it. But C3PO singing “Christmas in the Stars” is just, simply, hilarious, and I don’t care how uppity you are.
The Christmas Season also brings with it my Birthday Season. Jesus and I were born less than a week apart. I’m not trying to draw any comparisons, I’m just saying that Baby Jamie came home from the hospital on Christmas Eve, Mary gave birth to Our Lord and Savior that same night, coincidence? You be the judge.
Obviously, I am being facetious.
Turning 31 is sort of a non-event. Turning 30 is a milestone, but I think I just get to drift along now until 40 hits. Geez. Typing that makes it real. Ouch. So, per usual, we had a lovely family dinner , which is always an occasion. Y’all just don’t know.
THIS year, however, the girls surprised me with THIS:
That’s right. It’s My Little Pony. The next best thing to a unicorn. I may not be a Star Wars geek, but my love for the Unicorn approaches the embarrassing and ridiculous. The only reason there are no Unicorns in my house is because Unicorn stuff is all either made of fake crystal or airbrushed on velvet and available only in truck stops. So you see how a My Little Pony cake really fits the occasion. And...it was a cupcake cake.
So, go on about your business, I will be here rocking out to C3PO (hee-hee - it's on youtube!)and eating cupcakes thanks to Nic, Pais, Angie & Sunshine. Thanks, ladies!
Netflix is one of my favorite inventions, especially after the Video Warehouse experience noted below. There are over 200 titles in my queue (I love that word. Queue.) and I reorganize them obsessively. Every now and then, though, one slips through the cracks and I wind up standing in front of my mailbox wondering what the heck that movie is and why I wanted to see it.
So there I stood this past Friday, looking quizzically at the envelope containing The Last Kiss. For one thing, I am not a big fan of Zach Braff. I have never remotely liked Scrubs and I don’t find him so much zany as I do annoying. But I seem to remember reading some review that said this was a bright and shining moment for new filmmakers, so realistic, so true-to-life, so I suppose that was how it landed in my mailbox and wasted two hours of my life.
Let me just give you a synopsis of this little gem of a film so that you can keep those two hours for better use. The Last Kiss tells the story of four lifelong friends (including Casey Affleck, always a bonus) facing 30 in Wisconsin. Guy #1 has a meltdown after his girlfriend leaves him and makes the decision that a road trip to Mexico will solve his depression – which is not such a big deal. Guy #2 hooks up with this um…”totally uninhibited”…chick at a wedding and discovers she is his dream girl, only to freak out at the thought of meeting her parents and join the crazy Mexican field trip. Guy #3 decides that rather than work on his marriage he will leave his wife and child and join the Mexican field trip as well – although (being Casey Affleck) he does bail on the road trip at the last minute and come back to be a father, if not a husband.
Meanwhile, Zach Braff becomes the world’s biggest idiot. He and his girlfriend (Who is Jacinda Barrett, who I have loved ever since she was on The Real World.) are expecting a baby. So as the level of responsibility grows, his mental age lowers. Find out you’re going to be a Daddy? Flirt with a cute college kid. Think about buying a house? Sneak away to meet said college student and make a date for that weekend. The drama comes to a boiling point when he gets busted by sweet Jacinda – who I might add is the perfect woman, and I’m not saying that as my opinion, I am repeating the opinion of one of the Doofus Brothers in the film. So Jacinda busts him, he gives the whole, “It didn’t mean anything…now I know how much I love you” line, she tells him to leave AND HE GOES BACK TO SLEEP WITH THE COLLEGE CHICK!!! And of course, Jacinda at last takes him back, because he slept on her porch for three days.
So this is true-to-life drama? I mean, these things happen. Cheating, divorce, idiocy. I get that. We’ve all been through it. But what this whole movie says is that men my age are stupid. I’m not saying I think men my age are stupid. I am a huge fan of men my age – maybe not Zach Braff, but most of them. But still - is this how Hollywood is defining the men of my generation?
I love Alan Rickman. It’s his voice. He first came into my life as the bad guy in that crappy Robin Hood movie with Kevin Costner. (Cue Bryan Adams singing “Everything I Do, I Do It for You.” Come on, I know they played it at your middle school Boss Hoss Jam…I was there. I saw you slow dancing in your Hypercolor Shorts.) Anyhow, for a perhaps better reference, Mr. Rickman is also Professor Snape of Harry Potter fame and the Metatron in Dogma (“Hit me with that….fish?”) and his sneering baritone just makes my whole day wonderfully British.
In addition to his sarcastic villains and Jane Austen heroes (see “Sense and Sensibility”), Mr. Rickman starred in Devon and Benjy’s favorite holiday flick, “Love, Actually” with every Brit you’ve ever seen in any movie. Being in the holiday spirit, I ran down to my local Video Warehouse in search of this lovely little film. Little did I know the journey I had begun….
Chapter One I enter Video Warehouse and search the left hand side of the store in vain. Now, this part is my fault – I should have noted that that ENTIRE side of racks holds “New Releases.” I don’t exactly understand why the “New, Unedited, Director’s Cut” of “Van Wilder” counts as a new release when it’s sitting right next to the “Unrated, Uncut, Special Edition,” but I’m not in charge.
I then search, again in vain, for the nonexistent “Romance Section” and decide to consult Fat Albert, my favorite clerk. (His name is not really Fat Albert, but he looks just like him, except he’s a bit on the effeminate side. Being both a big girl AND a fag hag, I am allowed to lovingly bestow this nickname, so don’t give me any crap about calling him fat. In fact, I am thinking of setting him up with the equally sweet and portly Jason from the Wal-Mart Customer Service Department, but I digress…) Bingo! We have a winner! I happily carry my prize up to the counter and hand it over to Fat Albert. Even though ol’ Al checks me out EVERY time I get a movie, he continues to ask me for my account number. I give him the name, and Albert says, “Oh, girl! I don’t know why I can’t remember that. Y’all always got that dog in the car with you.” Then he looks me straight in the face, OBVIOUSLY knowing I use this account all the time, and tells me I am not listed on Pete’s account, and therefore cannot relieve my Alan Rickman longing. I try to use my fag hag skills, but no dice. Albert tells me to come back with Pedro and get on the card.
Sidenote: I realize I could use MY account, but it still carries a rather large late charge from when Austin Powers 2 first came out. Long story.
Chapter Two Pete returns from South Carolina for Turkey Day. Deciding we are too old for the annual pre-Thanksgiving pub crawl, we load up (with the dog, per usual) and ride back down to Video Warehouse. I grab the “Love, Actually” DVD as my choice and we head to the counter. Fat Albert is once again our clerk. He asks if “Y’all got that dog in the truck again?” and tallies up our bill. We ask that I be added to the account, and Albert explains that, as Pete and I are not married, this is not possible. I remind Albert that he TOLD me to get on the account, but he holds his (considerably large) ground. Still though, we go home with Alan Rickman.
At the house, I make some popcorn and pop in my movie…..which doesn’t play. How much trouble can I possibly go through? Why won’t it play? Because Fat Albert failed to notice that the super-video-store clear coating has been ripped off, leaving stick gunk all over the top of the disc. Rather than Alan Rickman, we watch Pete’s choice, called “Gus Van Sant’s Last Days.” The title alone sends me into a tizzy. “Is this about Lynyrd Skynyrd? Do we ALWAYS have to get a band movie?” And Pete’s all, “Way to go, Todd. A – That’s Ronnie Van ZANT. B – Gus Van Sant directed “Good Will Hunting” and this is his take on the last days of Kurt Cobain. C – Yes, it DOES always have to be a band movie.” (Sadly, we really talk like that. I think it’s all the Grey’s we watch.) So, “Gus Van Sant’s Last Day’s” turns out to be WHOLLY unwatchable, even for Pete. It’s mainly the fake Kurt Cobain dressing in outlandish outfits (a black slip with a deerstalker’s cap) and carrying around a rifle. The Mormans come to the house and talk to random members of his drug-loving entourage. Hilarity does NOT ensue. I go to bed pissed, hearing Professor Snape in my head.
Chapter Three Yesterday, in the midst of a hellacious head-cold, I go to the Wally to get some meds. While I am there, I think, “Hey, they have a movie section – SCORE!” However, the Wally movie section is much like the Video Warehouse new releases. They had both the “Uncut, Unrated” and “Director’s Cut – 3 hours of Commentary!” editions – this time of “Knocked Up”. Aw, Seth Rogan. So cute in his tubby little way. Mid-aisle, in the bargain sections, still NO LOVE ACTUALLY! Really. The closest thing they had at the Wally was “Love, American Style,” which was some super 70’s TV thing, NOT starring Alan Rickman. Oh – and you can also find a two-for-one special on “I’m Gonna Get You, Sucka” and some other Wayans Brother crap…..also not starring Alan Rickman. So I leave the Wally dejected, sad, and sick as a dog. Although I did have a Potter-thon, but it wasn’t the same.
